Grandios Delusions of a Disgruntled Stupid Dolphin Fan

Dear SportsTank,

Jeesh….apparently it’s time to give this good-for-nothing quarterback, Tony Romo, some well deserved credit for doing….nothing.  I would not call him “Captain Comeback” at all in this instance.  Fitzpatrick was this week’s Captain Comeback.  Why is it that Dallas gets so much press attention!??! 

The real story this week should be the disappointing football played by the Dallas team on Monday night when they should have had their T’s crossed and I’s dotted.  There were more miscues than a night out playing billiards with Charlie Sheen after drinking a barrel of rum.  I am not saying Romo played like complete garbage.  The only way to think about it is by envisioning a garbage bag…a big dirty garbage bag with all the garbage in it….The Cowboys (most of the team) would be that wet part that leaks out of the bag and is some kind of off color with no idea what contributed to it’s wet sticky disgustingness.  Romo I envision as a piece of wrapper thrown at the top of this bag of garbage.  In the end, it’s still trash, but not sticky gross trash, just trash.

I hate reading about this sorry team and I beg the sports writers to stop being biased towards the mass fan-base and focus on the real stars of the first three weeks.  This includes but is not limited to Detroit, Buffalo, Packers, and many other teams on the cusp of making this season a fun one.

Yours Truly,
CJ

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Dear CJ,

I feel as though this uneducated ignorant rambling diatribe was merely an attempt to poke and prod, yours truly.

Therefore, given the fact that a sad sorry Dolphins fan wrote this weak attack on the Dallas Cowboys and, ultimately, yours truly; I am going to go out on a limb and say that it is just the bitterness seeping out of him like the unidentified discolored liquid seeping from the busted garbage bag as mentioned in the aforementioned unsolicited broadside.

The real fact of the matter here is not that Americas Team is getting all the attention.  Anybody who watches football or ESPN knows that all the world is a-buzz about the Buffalo Bills (the REAL NY team), the Detroit Lions, Oakland Raiders, and the Super Bowl Champion Green Bay Packers.  The issue lies in the fact that the Dolphins are getting ZERO attention due to their utter and complete lack of competitive play within the National Football League. 

Lets face facts: St. Vincent St. Mary’s School for the Blind would have a better chance of beating an NFL team than the Miami Dolphins.  The only thing people are talking about in Miami are the hot cheerleaders on the sideline, Kim Kardashian, Lebron James, Tiger Woods, the volatile Atlantic Ocean, and how terrible retired citizens are behind the wheel of an automobile.

Nobody cares about the stench that is coming from the rotten bag of garbage.  The stench that is the Miami Dolphins and nobody cares about a disgruntled Miami fans irrelavent opinion.

FIN!

Ungratefully Back atcha,
SportsTank

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Dear Mr. SportsTank,

Although I understand your insatiable appetite to always get the last word in, I will grace you with one rebuttal before your eventual inevitable “last word” post on your “blog,” Mr. SportsT4NK!  First off let me tell you that the initial e-mail sent was in no way out of the blue nor ignorant rambling.  It was backed by three weeks of unsolicited fantasy and football picks advice.  Some of this unsolicited advice I did indeed take. 

Let me break it down metaphorically again for you since you had no trouble deciphering that garbage montage from before.  I like to think of the advice you offered me in these past weeks like a rotting sandwich.  The first bit of advice I decided to chew on and eventually swallowed was to pick up Nate Burleson.  We will consider him the bottom bun of this decaying sandwich.  I swallowed it to the tune of 1.2 points posted this week.  Apparently the entire Lions team is doing well with the exception of your ingenious pick.

The second part of this sandwich and the top bun is Roy Helu.  The decision to pick him up from the free agent pool and rot away on my bench much like this metaphorical sandwich.  Roy posted a whole 4.2 points this week via Yahoo. 

Now let’s get to the meat of the sandwich and the true reason I am angry.  This sandwich is a Wide Receiver special.  Combined between the two moldy buns of Roy Helu and Nate Burleson, lies a wide receiver meat sandwich from my ESPN league.  I simply uttered to you my disapproval of my current receivers to which you once again came through in the clutch with some have-to-have names.  What did I do……you guessed it…..ate it up to the tune of Arrelious Benn and Anthony Armstrong.  These two sat on my bench this week waiting to see if I should take your unsolicited advice or not.

Well let me tell you something I discovered about your advice:  You just enjoy handing out fake advice almost as much as you enjoy handing out candy from your cube van to the children of the neighborhood every weekend.  As for that sandwich we described?  I did indeed eat it, I chewed it up for a day or so and then swallowed these rancid picks as I added them to my fantasy teams. 

Do not think for a second that the previous story about your Dallas Cowgirls is by any means a relation to the demise of the Miami Dolphins football team.  Any true Dolphins fan knows that the team is disappointing.  I mean look at the owners:

Gloria Estefan and Emilio, J. LO, Fergie, Marc Anthony, and the Williams sisters.  The last time I checked; all these people are starting to become washed up.  If the owners are switching over to the B-List don’t you think the team would soon follow?  So it was not my Miami Dolphins and illusions of grandeur I had, but rather your ability to provide unsolicited terrible advice on fantasy football.  I will now need to spend the remaining week before week 4 emptying my bowels of this advice I decided to trust you on. 

Signed Your Ungrateful Ungracious Pal,
CJ

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Dear Mr. Stupid Dolphins Fan,

Speaking of “rambling;” HOLY COW! 

I feel as though I should charge for my advice.  My advice is Gold and your nonsensical, rambling, pointless, meaningless tirades are much like your lower intestine – stinky and loaded with danger!

Secondly, please allow me to clarify that my advice was in no way “unsolicited” as you so wrongly state; however, it was purely solicited and sought after by our angry, bitter, woeful Dolphins fan who is clearly unable to come up with his own opinion. 

In addition, I am no doctor, nor did I even lay to rest at a Holiday Inn Express last night, but I have found why your lower intestine is so stinky and full of danger.  It is not due to the phony bologna rotten advice sandwich you have eaten, but the sandwich of lies, un-grandeur, and slander that you have eaten.  Anybody who so wrongfully accuses another man of providing “unsolicited” “terrible” advice is bound to choke on his own sandwich of pure and utter excrement with a light coating of idiocy, sprinkled with defamation.

Now, allow me to defend myself, AND, quite unnecessarily I might add.  Here is a clue, oh un-wise one: Fantasy football is a fickle bitch. 

One week you can get 435yds passing & 4 TD’s from Tom Brady; while the next week you may get 250yds, 3 TD’s, & 4 INT’s a fumble, and a torn ACL.  I can’t account for what matchup is better for the players on your roster because I am not the “team owner”.  Here’s another word you should add to your vocabulary sooner rather than later if you want to even have a chance in your league: MATCHUP.  Say it with me; MATCHUP!

You have to pay attention to who your players are matched up against in order to do well.  The first two weeks Burleson averaged 7 points in standard scoring leagues, but apparently you chose to wait until week 3 when the matchup was less than favorable to play Mr. Burleson.  I can’t account for your sheer stupidity and lack of overall football knowledge.  If you want me to manage your team then you should be willing to split your winnings with me 60:40.  I do the majority of the work; therefore, I get the 60% share.  Seems fair in most courts of law within this here wonderful U.S. judicial system.

Shall we discuss Roy Helu?  The guy is a rookie and a backup behind Tim Hightower who seems to have the proverbial Hot Hand right now in a RUN FIRST OFFENSE coached by the zoneblocking guru, Mike Shanahan.  However, even as the #2 back he is getting carries and looking VERY good only a mere 3 weeks into the season.  Unfortunately, again, you forgot to pay attention to matchups.  Roy just faced the very formidable and #2 ranked rush defense in the entire league in the Dallas Cowboys; OF COURSE he didn’t fare well this week.  DUH!!?!?!

Lastly, as for Benn and Anthony Armstrong – both of them are “deep sleepers” and since Benn is coming off a season ending ACL injury last year coupled with an abbreviated offseason; it’s obvious to those with any sort of football acumen that Benn will surely start out slowly.  As for Armstrong, well, he is in his second year and coming off an 800+yd rookie season with 40+ catches – certainly a worthy sleeper.  Keep in mind the operative word here is SLEEPER.

Again, I think it is quite clear that the issue here does not lie with the man providing the SOLICITED advice; but the issue lies with the unknowledgeable, inexperienced, lesser man who SEEKS the advice.

Allow this to be a lesson to you, young grasshopper.  Two words that you must promptly add to your vernacular are: MATCHUP and PATIENCE. 

Gotta be mindful of your ability to be patient, gotta pay attention to your matchups, and now you gotta pay the man who you seek advice from.  From here on out no advice you seek shall be given gratuitously, but each player I shed light upon will have a soon to be determined tariff along with it.

Your honor, I rest my case and I will rest easy tonight knowing that your slander and sheer attempts at defamation have also been laid to rest and so very eloquently debunked.

FIN!